ADHD

Monday Blog of Accountability Part 4 – Being Held to Account

  • On June 10, 2024 ·
  • By ·
Sheet of paper in a typewriter with the words "Write something" typed on it

Where Have You Been?

Sorry for the lack of blog posts lately. I’ve been trying to write them on Sunday so they publish on Monday. My wife’s job bumped her schedule ahead several hours, which has been rough on her sleep disorder. (We suspect it’s something like Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome (DSPS)) Then we went on a weekend trip to the states. That, coupled with a tight deadline to submit immigration stuff, basically torpedoed my attempts at routine.

If I’m being 100% honest, “routine” is a rather tenuous term. On a good day I’ll get up at 5 AM, shower, then spend a few hours in my office while the house is quiet. Eventually it’s time to help Solange wake up and bring her coffee. By afternoon I tend to grab a nap. Evenings we’ve all been trying to clean and organize the house together. Some days are better than others. We live in a neurodivergent house where all three of us have our own particular blend of ADHD. (Remember I’m not a doctor and am only sharing my experiences dealing with neurodivergence. If you suspect you may need help please seek out and speak with a professional)

https://www.tiktok.com/@adhd_love/video/7335500663528508704
We Live in a Neurodivergent House via adhd_love on TikTok

As the lone housemate on the Autism Spectrum I’m learning how my AuDHD differs. I’ll often quote Red from the Shawshank Redemption (1994) because of my reputation as a man who knows how to find things. I remember where we put stuff, can usually spot lost items at a glance, and sort like objects together. These are the upsides when properly rested, medicated, and on schedule. When things are off balance for me I feel a bit like an NPC walking into a wall.

Alan Wake Npc GIFfrom Alan Wake GIFs

Alan Wake NPC GIF via Tenor

Routines keep a lot of us on track due to simple inertia. For me they can be a sequence of tasks I perform. Having to remember too many steps or being out of sorts leads to me trying them out of order, missing some, etc. I’ve had to warn people not to overload me or else I might show up forgetting to put on pants.

I’m often of two minds on things. There’s the logical adult who thinks things should be straight forward. Then there’s the impulsive ADHD kid who comes out and wants to do something other than what the adult planned. Sometimes he can be placated by allowing him to daydream, playing a YouTube video on the diversion while doing the day’s work. Sometimes we lean into the other thing if it’s productive or need a break. Other times he makes the adult doubt himself. Am I certain this is the right thing to be working on today? Absolutely certain in my ability to deliver? Better be or he’ll sow that seed of doubt. Add into that my troubles shifting gears when I’ve been doing one thing for an extended period of time and it’s easy to throw a monkey wrench into plans.

I’ve been on Vyvanse since my doctor suggested it a few years ago. It’s similar to Adderall but tends to last a bit longer with less of a noticeable drop-off. Some people report intense hyper-focus on it, which I’d say is accurate. It can be very easy to fixate on the wrong thing when it kicks in. That’s why I think it’s important to treat dealing with ADHD like exercise with conditioning. I intentionally journal, attempting to figure out what I want/need to be doing. Then I try to set myself up for success, getting rid of distractions and putting myself in the best place to work.

ADHD but medicated via Ice Cream Sandwich on YouTube

None of this is an excuse, of course. Simply an explanation of the issues that crop up when managing your own time and projects. I’m still sorting out what to focus on since it seems most of the things I try doing get too big. This is probably scope creep (also called requirement creep, or kitchen sink syndrome). I lose sight of the original goal and start concocting an epic worthy of Homer. Then I get intimidated by my ambition. The more I think about it, the more this explains my issues with getting out of defense mode.

What is Aspergers via Aspergers Experts on YouTube

What’s Today’s Fixation?

I’m glad you asked! Like a lot of people right now I’m unhappy with the direction the internet has been going. A handful of social media apps have superseded the web. (This guy with a cool name writes about concepts such as Aggregation Theory, the idea that sites like Facebook aren’t platforms but rather aggregators of content from elsewhere, selling the attention of their users to advertisers without providing anything of value themselves) You might remember the Oatmeal comic about FB charging to promote content to a handful of your followers. In short: billionaires ruin everything.

I don’t expect to totally reverse the last 20+ years of enshittification. That’s just not realistic. I’m some dude online. There are people who have effectively kill screened capitalism. Instead, I’d rather focus on making my little corner of the web better. I’ve been tinkering, off and on, with a site that brings back the fun of the old web using modern tech.

Remember Flash Cartoons?

Joe Cartoon, Homestar Runner, Homestuck, Newgrounds… Yes, it’s all coming back like a fever dream. Flash is something of a metaphor for the internet, when you think about it. Lots of potential depending on who wields it; often buggy, broken, dangerous; neglected and not taken seriously by enough people; declared dead except for niche circles. It was meant to be replaced by HTML5, which never really happened. Nathalie Lawhead has written and spoken about the death of Flash pretty thoroughly if you’d like to dive into the reasons behind it.

My goal is to recreate the fun, excitement, and experimentation of this early era. There’s obviously going to be risks involved. Things may break. Being on the cutting edge raises questions of security and future obsolescence. To alleviate what I can I’ve been looking into flat-file content management systems. At the moment I’ve been kicking the tires on the latest version of Automad. It’s designed for styling and formatting content, letting me customize each individual page while managing the over-all look of the site.

Monday Blog of Accountability Part 3 – Encouraging Focus

  • On May 20, 2024 ·
  • By ·
Letter Board on Light Blue Background says "Start Doing"

Today I want to discuss proper care and feeding of creative routine as well as little tricks I use to keep myself on track. My unique flavor of distraction might be different from yours but most of us struggle with it in some capacity. The goal here isn’t to take what I say as gospel but rather to start being more aware of your own habits so you can guide them intentionally.

Pregaming

Before you can start it’s a good idea to properly end what you were last doing. This might seem obvious but life expects us to juggle a lot. Phone alerts, website notifications, everything wants to ping your attention these days. If you have the luxury of enabling Do Not Disturb mode while working, go for it, the results can be life changing. It’s also a good idea to disable things that don’t need to instantly reach you, since honestly those can easily be abused and they eat away at time you could be using. Open your inbox and unsubscribe from emails you don’t read. A good newsletter can be a joy to go through. Bad ones simply want to sell something. If you’re worried about disappointing the people you subscribed to, I’m giving you permission to let them go. You don’t owe anybody your engagement. (Save a few entities like the government we all have to interact with) Somebody who guilts and shames users to keep them around is being manipulative and not worth your time. If there’s critical updates and they don’t push that information out to everybody then they won’t be in business very long.

Typical self-care rules apply. Get a proper night’s rest, wake up with the sun if you can, shower and get dressed in clothes that feel like you’re getting to work. Take breaks, get up and stretch, remember to hydrate and eat. This can be a good time to check email or any other messages that have some in. Give yourself a good stopping point to be done and decompress. Permitting yourself time to relax and focus on anything you want that isn’t your current project prevents burnout. It also allows for inspiration and new ideas to form.

Multitasking

There’s plenty of evidence that multitasking is bad. Doing more than one complex task at a time impacts our effectiveness, resulting in working slower and leading to making mistakes. It’s important to distinguish tasks by brainpower involved. If you find yourself having to make conscious decisions it’s probably complex. Carrying on a conversation is a complex task. Folding laundry largely isn’t. Most big projects will have a mix of both. I find it’s best to treat complex tasks like outlining or framing. Once the heavy decisions are made it’s easier to relax and appreciate the busywork. Having to concentrate for too long can be mentally or emotionally draining. It’s possible to get worn out by something even if you love it. Likewise, your mind wants to escape if you’re bored doing tasks with no thought behind them.

One of my biggest problems is switching tasks. If I’ve spent a considerable amount of time doing one thing, like writing or researching, it can be hard to pivot to something else like drawing. I usually take physical breaks to get up, do some quick chore around the house, and start fresh. It’s also good to batch similar tasks together. If I’ve been drawing character designs all morning it’ll be easier to move to layouts or any other type of drawing than going from writing to drawing. These are the different hats to wear during a production and some have very different fits from each other.

I recommend starting projects with a session to define goals. Setting expectations like what you’re making, in what kind of state it needs to be delivered in, and a rough idea of the timeline will help you narrow down your approach instead of trying to figure all that out off the cuff. As mentioned earlier, there’s a time to look for inspiration and a time to save things for later. Of course being a creative type with ADHD means there’s going to be days where I sit down to work and can’t make myself do the thing I’ve penciled in. When that happens I let myself switch to another task on the project I can get excited about. As long as the work serves the the bigger goal it doesn’t matter which part gets done when.

Unplugging

Richard Williams tells a story in his book “The Animator’s Survival Kit” about asking Milt Kahl if he ever listens to music while working. Eduardo Quintana animated the exchange of Kahl exclaiming he’s not smart enough to think of more than one thing at a time.

UNPLUG! via Eduardo Quintana

While an amusing anecdote, this bit of advice is often discussed and contested. Personally I go in and out of wearing headphones throughout the day. Sometimes I need music to relax. Sometimes I’m blocking out irritating noise or trying to be courteous to others in the house. I believe the broader point Williams and Kahl were making was to be deliberate in your actions. If what you’re doing deserves your undivided attention, give it your undivided attention. Not everything does entirely all the time. Occasionally you realize the beats pounding in your ears are making it harder to think. You might also find yourself sitting across from Nina of Corporate Accounts Payable in Office Space (1999).

Misc. Tips, Tricks, and Advice

  • Give yourself earlier deadlines to finish than the real ones
  • Design projects with sections so there’s a minimum viable product to deliver even if you can’t complete all the sections
  • How do you achieve 3 things in a day? Try to achieve 5

Monday Blog of Accountability

  • On May 6, 2024 ·
  • By ·
Screenshot of a production board in KanbanFlow

This post is going to go a bit different. Whereas others focus on things I’m doing, today I’ll be concentrating on how I’m doing. I try to journal and do a check-in with myself regularly, usually at the start/end of a week or month. It helps whenever I feel I’m going off-track or need to find direction.

Journaling

Screenshot of my journal entries for April, collapsed for privacy
Screenshot of my journal entries for April, collapsed for privacy

I believe my folks gave me my first journal in an effort to practice my handwriting. Or I simply saw a book with a lock on it and thought it was neat. Either way, writing things down privately was extremely useful growing up. There are two distinct halves I want to highlight:

  • Getting stuff out of your head
  • Processing what comes out

Everybody carries around a decent amount in their minds through out the day.

Some of it is straight memories. “First this happened, then this happened, now this is happening.”

Some of it is plans for the future. “I need to remember to do this, then I can do the other thing.”

Some of it is observations mixed with emotions. “I have to talk to so-and-so today. Ugh. They never shut up about themselves.”

If you’re actively carrying around these thoughts and feelings all day it can weigh you down. I like to dump them out so I can organize, realize what’s on my mind, and deal with them properly. There’s the concept of the internal monologue, or intrapersonal communication. Different people experience it in different ways. Some folks don’t have one. When I was younger I used to narrate my imagination to myself when I played. At some point I got concerned talking to myself would seem weird so I moved it internally. I remember this being a conscious decision and taking effort.

You may be nothing like me and my exact quirks but I still recommend journaling to everybody. (I do mine digitally now, though it’s a whole other conversation about which app/tool/system is the best) Writing encourages us to think about what we’re feeling and stewing over. Journaling specifically is nice because it’s for your own purposes so there’s less need to worry about formatting or making narrative sense for readers. Normally I’m taking steps to plot out my goals, what I have to get done for the household as well as personally and project-wise.

There are weeks where I haven’t had time to physically sit down and write. It’s very therapeutic when I finally do, letting out any frustration or getting to ramble about my latest obsession. It’s not often I realize something I haven’t considered before but I attribute that to writing often. If a lot happens between entries the more I mentally need to wade through to make sense of it all.

Logging

Page of my log book from February, 2018
Page of my log book from February 2018

When I started renting office space outside of my home, I decided to keep a book of dates and times I checked in and out of my desk. Before that, I’d been using an AT-A-GLANCE wall calendar to follow the Don’t Break the Chain method of good habit building. At the time I was working on growing my focus, concentrating on a project for an extended period. That carried fairly well until the pandemic, where time seemed to slow down and compress all at once. There were months where I was the only person in the office. Then suddenly other people started coming back in and the place got busy again.

The US-Canada border was closed so my girlfriend and I couldn’t visit each other. I also had to renew my passport while everything was shut down. The official website said they could be sent in but gave no guarantee of when they’d be returned. (To me, this translated to “lost”) So we waited. Once I knew when to expect my passport to be renewed it was off to secure a test for travel. I remember presenting my results on entry but still getting selected for further testing, requiring a follow-up call or email if results were positive. Then my mom announced when she was retiring and selling her house. Suddenly our timeline for planning my move became very real. The dentist told me I needed my first root canal, necessitating an appointment at another location and a rush order for the finished crown. My cat Hope needed to be cleared for crossing the border with proper paperwork. In between those two things I flew out to meet Solange and we drove our little U-Haul van to pack up my Ohio life before driving back with Hope.

I’ve tried using the log book once after I was moved in and settled. It made me incredibly anxious. I suspect because of the hectic memories associated with the last time I used it. Plus it’s designed to make me feel like I’m on the clock, which can be unnerving if I don’t have a healthy routine set up.

KanbanFlow

Screenshot of a production kanban board in KanbanFlow
A production board in KanbanFlow

The Kanban system is popular in lean manufacturing and software development. It’s good for tracking different phases of a project. I particularly like KanbanFlow as it lets you customize multiple boards and has a built in Pomodoro timer with time-tracking. It’s incredibly satisfying to see what you’re working on move towards completion since so often creative work is abstract.

Side Hustles – Making and Selling Fonts

  • On April 22, 2024 ·
  • By ·
Drawing board with stacks of hand-lettered papers, markers, and pencil sketches of lettering

As somebody with ADHD, my brain craves novelty. Ever been in the shower, rinsed out your hair, and realized you don’t remember if that was shampoo or conditioner? It’s a similar experience when I’m not fully present in what I’m doing. Even subjects I’m passionate about can be a struggle so part of how I approach things is finding ways to make them engaging. A good method I’ve found is weekend projects. Something I can dive into for 24-48 hours, low risk so it becomes creative play, different enough to satisfy that craving for shiny and new, and satisfying to wrap up in time so I can return to my regular grind feeling competent.

Why Fonts?

I have experience making handwriting fonts for my comics. The process is fairly straight forward, especially since there’s a known number of designs to make. I start from a template, create each character using whatever method best fits, bring them into the software, and spend the rest of my time testing and adjusting alignment. Fonts are great self-contained projects. I can experiment with different programs and methods, even go entirely old school and draw on paper. There’s a useable asset at the end I can use however I want. Every font is unique and helps me build up a collection to offer.

Software

My weapon of choice is High-Logic FontCreator. It’s Windows-only, though runs fine on my Macs with Wine. At the time it was the most affordable option that vectorized images on import. I also appreciate a perpetual license.

(FontCreator – Getting Started on YouTube)

If you need free tools try FontForge or Birdfont. For browser-based options there’s FontArk, Glyphr Studio, FontStruct or Pentacom’s BitFont Maker. I’ll also throw in Metaflop if you like playing with sliders.

Calligraphr and YourFonts are sites where you download/upload a template to make a font. They’re not very robust but they are a simple starting point.

Other premium options include apps by FontLab, Glyphs, and RoboFont. Fontself offers an extension for Illustrator and Photoshop CC as well as an iPad app. There’s also iFontMaker for iPad and Apple silicon.

References for Designing Typefaces

Designing and laying out typefaces for fonts should really be its own post. For now I’ll share some useful resources. I particularly like vintage lettering books as they’re instructional and show off the craftsmanship involved. My personal favorite is the Studio Handbook: Letter and Design for Artists and Advertisers by Samuel Welo. It’s 282 pages of hand-drawn text and illustration.

(Hand Drawn Design from Cover to Cover via Printmag)

Here’s a Digital Bookshelf of Lettering Manuals and Alphabet Source Books from Typographica.

Lloyd Reynolds’ Italic Calligraphy & Handwriting

(Lloyd Reynold’s Italic Calligraphy & Handwriting on YouTube)

Where to Sell

Another subject that could really have its own dedicated post. For now I’ll strip it down to basic site categories and examples.

Dedicated Font Sites: My Fonts, Fontspring, Monotype, Fontbundles, So Fontsy

Marketplaces: Envato, Creative Market, Creative Fabrica, Design Bundles, Master Bundles, The Hungry JPG

Digital Downloads: Gumroad, SellApp, Sellfy, Payhip, Podia

WordPress Plugins: Easy Digital Downloads, WordPress Download Manager, Download Monitor, Digital Download Goods Checkout for WooCommerce

Licensing

Font licenses, like all copyrights, can be complicated. I’m sure if you’ve spent any time on Fontspace or DaFont you’ve noticed the difference in selection of Personal Use vs Commercial. There can be different licenses for desktop, web, app, and ePub uses. As somebody who downloads and uses fonts regularly, I like to keep things simple. Free fonts exist for various reasons (to attract buyers to premium fonts, for altruistic causes and purposes, or because they’re an educational experience) and I think it’s a good idea to offer them. If you’re going to charge, especially if it’s more than a few dollars, then your goods need to be of outstanding quality.

Mental Health

  • On April 15, 2024 ·
  • By ·
Mental Health on Scrabble tiles

I considered titling this one “Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Asperger’s Syndrome/Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)” but that’s a lot to take in all at once and probably why my therapist didn’t lead with it.

Disclaimer

I’m by no means an expert on mental health. If you’re dealing with issues, please seek out a professional. And if that professional isn’t a proper fit, seek a second opinion, just as you would with any healthcare provider. This is my own experience looking for answers and what has worked for me.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)

I’ve written before about my ADHD. Growing up I went undiagnosed for various reasons. Being a good student didn’t fit the image most people had at the time. Also the stigma against having something “wrong” with you, especially mentally, is very real. My family haven’t had the best experiences with doctors, to say the least, and actively distrusted counselors/therapists. I don’t really hold this against them as the American healthcare system is broken and mental health services are abysmal. It simply made navigating this all as an adult difficult. Especially when so many resources these days are about treating your ADHD child. :V

The CliffsNotes are I have attention regulation and prioritizing issues. If something isn’t engaging I can literally blank it out. (When I was younger I tried several times to watch the movie Batman (1989). I’d get as far as the hoodlums saying “they call him The Bat” and next thing I knew it’d be at the credits rolling.) On the opposite end, if something is engaging and new I can hyper-focus. Meaning I’ll lose track of time, forget to eat, be unable to sleep, completely consumed until the novelty is worn off.

Asperger’s Syndrome/Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

Asperger’s Syndrome has actually been phased out in favor of rolling it into Autism Spectrum Disorder. Johann Friedrich Karl “Hans” Asperger, the Austrian physician who first identified the condition in 1944, had problematic ties to Nazi Germany and eugenics. For our intents and purposes, Asperger’s is viewed as less severe symptoms than Autism, with little to no language or cognitive troubles, (some testing even higher than average) but issues with social skills. It’s gotten the nickname Little Professor Syndrome due to those afflicted having intense special interests they can often have one-sided conversations on. This short video by Danny Raede of Asperger Experts is a good introduction:

I also want to share this one he did on the sensory funnel, which addresses issues of overwhelm and getting somebody with Asperger’s out of Defense Mode.

When I originally asked my doctor for help and started seeing a therapist I thought I had an anxiety disorder. I would have panic attacks, an ever-present feeling of stress hung over me like a flickering florescent light. There’s a scene in Man of Steel (2013) where school boy Clark Kent has to process and make sense of the world around him as he becomes overwhelmed by his super powers. He has a meltdown and hides in the classroom closet until his mother helps him focus. I’ve dealt with similar situations, lately when I experience a meltdown I think of Ironside from Kill Bill (2003-4).

Medication helped quiet the internal noise so I could begin to address outside influences more closely. I started journaling, becoming more aware of my environment while also trying to better read and understand my own responses. Mindfulness has become a buzzword these days but it is an actual thing we sometimes have to practice. Raede also has videos on panic attacks and dealing with stress I recommend watching. He mentions realizing he was more comfortable being stressed than being relaxed and working to change that. How stress doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing, that we can let sensations and emotions go through our bodies without feeling like we’re going to die.

What It’s Like Having Both

It’s often multiple similar conditions can occur at the same time, i.e. comorbidity. I recently stumbled upon this video by D.S.A. Threads Costuming which really hit close to home in a lot of ways.

The problem I’ve been struggling with most recently, I think, is getting out of Defensive Mode. That’s where I de-stress, listen to myself, and make decisions going forward. I’ve had a lot going on in my life the last couple years. Moving to another country, getting married, sorting out immigration matters, on top of regular daily concerns like household chores and worrying about finances. It can be very difficult for me to switch gears when I’ve been doing something consistently. I’m not renting separate office space to work outside the house anymore so my ability to isolate isn’t what it used to be. Plus I have trouble letting myself enjoy drawing for fear I’ll lose track of things. It’s important to allow myself time to play creatively so the ideas come out.

How Do I Talk to People, Again?

  • On April 1, 2024 ·
  • By ·
Angry woman holding a bullhorn and raising her hand into the air

How Did We Get Here?

I’ve had my own website, in some form of another, since 2002. In that time span I’ve graduated college, been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), moved countries, gotten married, even grown a salt and pepper beard. The online and IRL world have changed a lot since then, too. For lots of people the internet is a handful of apps probably run by the same couple of companies. These apps tend to aggregate content without providing anything themselves, save access to attention. (I suggest reading the articles on Stratechery’s concept of Aggregation Theory for further thoughts on the differences between platforms and aggregators)

There’s been a lot of stuff people don’t want to mention for fear of being too topical. Use the wrong phrase and suddenly people on both sides of issues will brigade you as opportunistic. Or you get shadow-banned; flagged as unfriendly to advertisers, regardless of your stance on something, your posts and comments having zero reach because you mentioned something verboten. Or maybe you’re simply tired of hearing arguments from the squeakiest of wheels.

We had a global pandemic that largely shut society down for years. Most of us couldn’t physically be around each other from ~2020-? Reddit saw site-wide protests over API changes. The changes still happened, shuttering many 3rd party apps. This led to an exodus for those seeking alternatives. Elon Musk bought Twitter, changed its name to X, and continually muses about getting rid of the block feature. This also led to an exodus as users scattered to alternatives, where some of us learned about the Fediverse. They then got frustrated trying to understand it, confused by everything being decentralized and yet still able to be connected.

(Toot from @Ciaraioch@mastodon.ie via Mastodon.ie)

What Does All That Mean?

Communicating with people is complicated. Trying to communicate online is even more so. Blogging feels like walking around with a bullhorn wearing a sandwich board sign. Comments become a cesspool of spam and GIFT. (True story: Even after disabling comments on this site spammers still got in. I literally had to get a plugin that nukes that functionality to stop it)

Podcasting is fun but requires so much effort to assemble, format, post, troubleshoot… not to mention it still feels like I’m talking mostly to myself. I have no interest in hosting a group show again as that becomes herding cats.

I’ve considered taking YouTube or one of the other video platforms more seriously, though that tends to result in falling down rabbit holes, researching and trying to figure everything out before ever posting anything. Putting the fate of my work in the hands of the various algorithms does worry me, I’m not gonna lie. But I’ve still got this site if a host limits what I can do with something.

Web 1.0 was average people putting stuff online. Web 2.0 was supposed to be more interactive and user-based. We’ve accepted the retroactive argument that this meant social media. Now we have doomscrolling. Web 3.0 tentatively includes tech like the Internet of Things (IoT), blockchain, NFTs, cryptocurrency, and metaverses. Personally I don’t like the vision of the future large companies seem to be pushing. It feels like we’re being sold stuff nobody really wants in the interest of making a select few tech bros very rich.

So What Do We Do?

I’m going to embrace the spirit of the small web. That means intentionally focusing on my presence online. I’d like to start blogging here regularly again as I properly build up my portfolio and demo reel. Hopefully that means getting myself organized on projects and sharing them as I work. I’m always apprehensive about announcing things and failing to deliver. But I’d rather be failing regularly than disappear because nothing ever had a deadline. So check this space next week to see how I do.

I’ve also been tinkering with building an HTML5 animation site since Flash died. I think I have the technicals sorted out. Now it’s mostly a matter of creating content.

On Monoliths

  • On September 26, 2023 ·
  • By ·
Astronaut on Mars standing before a monolith

Hey there. How are you doing? I’m doing alright today. Apparently it’s been 477 days (or 1 year, 3 months, 20 days) since my last post.

Yeah, I’m not proud of that.

The short answer is I’m a bit intimidated by blogging. It feels like writing a note on receipt paper and once I’m done it’s ripped off and handed to somebody else. I never seem to have enough to update with or there’s too much going on to know where to start. It doesn’t help that I have a habit of making mega-posts that require lots of research and links.

It’s no surprise the guy with ADHD has trouble making and sticking to a schedule. Consider the New Years resolution to get in shape and how many fail to follow through because magically on the 1st they’re supposed to be an entirely different person. We can’t just tell ourselves “I need to get in shape.” We need to block out the time, say no to the rest of the world for a while, and physically start moving. Most of us, if we miss days, we feel like we’re never going to crawl out from under the disappointment. I learned with webcomics not to see updates as pages that have to be accounted for eventually, otherwise the backlog will brew resentment.

Another issue probably linked to my neurodivergence is perfectionism. I keep giving myself unrealistic expectations and then get frustrated when I don’t meet my own arbitrary standards. Didn’t make a post on Monday? Obviously I’ve failed for the week. Got an idea to write about? Must be branched out into a multi-part series. Gotta maximize effectiveness! Can’t let one slip by without burdening it with the Ghost of Blog Posts Yet to Come.

(All the Things Meme via Hyperbole and a Half)

Catching Up

The biggest news I have to report is Solange and I got married! ❤️ :3

(The Simpsons: The Thompsons via Tumblr)

She always told everybody she’d elope but we decided to have a small ceremony here with her immediate family. The plan was to keep it quiet online, get my family to join us for a stateside celebration in Vegas months later on April 1st, then announce on April Fools Day and see who couldn’t tell if we were serious or not. (Never let it be said my wife can’t commit to a bit) She kept her maiden name, though she’s still angling for us to both change to the amalgam Thomp’olson. I love that woman :V

*Gestures Broadly*

I’ve come to recognize the value in a personal website lately as, well, it seems like the rest of the internet is on fire these days. Some time ago I wrote of the various places I was considering to post stuff. These sites and services have regular daily users so sharing content on them should be a no-brainer, right? Except all these aggregators have their own agendas and responsibilities. To some extent we’ve all accepted giving up some level of privacy for the sake of using these sites. We don’t like it but we shrug it off, like clicking Agree to the new Terms of Service when software needs updating. We try not to think about it too much until it directly impacts us. I’m not going to call people lazy or enabling because I do it, too. We all just want to get through our day without having to deal with making sure the stuff around us functions properly. Problem is, the desire for that ease of use results in forgiving and overlooking pretty egregious behavior. For example: Meta artificially limits your reach unless you pay to boost content.

This is compacted by advertising. These monolithic corporations couldn’t care less about what individual users need. Their guiding light is what advertisers want. Never mind that online advertising revenue is perpetually in decline. Running an ad-blocker isn’t simply about being selfish. Ads are not only annoying and intrusive, they can also leave you open to malware. If you’ve never gone to a page and tried to figure out which download button is real you’ve never really experienced internet advertising. (Also, don’t use AdBlock Plus: they sell ads) And before anybody gets a feeling of self-importance, saying we need to band together and solve this through competition, here’s a video from Folding Ideas discussing VidMe:

Alt-tech has existed for a while but it’s usually been for exiles of the mainstream platforms. Then Elon Musk bought Twitter I mean X. Now people are jumping off to alternatives at a rate I haven’t seen since back in the aughts when popular forums imploded. And just as I started actually using Reddit they decided to kill 3rd party apps. Will any of them be the next Twitter? Honestly, I don’t want another one. You have to track down your friends, see where they all landed, then the site either dies because nobody uses it or everybody uses it and suddenly another monolith becomes Too Big to Fail. I simply don’t have the time or the energy to invest in the game of Which Billionaire Comes Out On Top. I’ll make profiles to follow, I guess, but I’m going to refocus my attention. I’d like to rekindle some of what we lost with the death of Flash. Check out this video by Lord Ravenscraft about Homestar Runner:

Happy 2019!

  • On January 16, 2019 ·
  • By ·
Don't use Creative Commons below 3.0

I hope everybody had a good New Year, or at the least stayed out of trouble.

I’m back in the office organizing everything for the new year, new month, new week, etc. I try to avoid making resolutions. I’m sure most of us have fallen into that trap of thinking January 1st we’re going to be an entirely different person than we were on December 31st, only to beat ourselves over staying the same and concede defeat. Instead I prefer to set goals I want to achieve and figure out the steps I need to accomplish them. As somebody with ADHD it helps to have regular check-ins with myself to see how I’m doing, remind myself what my goals are, and occasionally realize I need to change direction. It’s very easy for me to get hyper focused on a particular task because I’m comfortable carrying it out or excited by what I find. Then I have to switch gears and do something else – something different, potentially new, or just something I’m unsure about doing properly – a thing most people don’t have trouble doing. Consider playing Super Mario Bros.:

Super Mario Bros. World 1-1 via GIPHY

Most of us are probably familiar with this game. You move Mario from one side of the screen to the other as the camera follows him, jumping across platforms, avoiding enemies and pitfalls, collecting coins and power-ups to help you along the way. You can see what’s coming and react accordingly. This is how most people perceive time and tasks for the day. They’re aware of their environment and can judge when they need to respond to things. Now consider Mario’s point of view:

First Person Mario via RocketJump

He has a vague idea of what’s in store for him after his next jump. Probably some blocks, some pipes, and a few enemies to watch out for. It feels disorienting not being able to see things pulled out, especially if you’re used to playing this level in the traditional view. How do you judge when the goomba is in the same place you’re going to land? Are you at the right distance to jump that pipe? It requires a level of awareness about your abilities. You have to internalize how high you can jump and from how far away. This is closer to how I see time, tasks, and appointments. I can zoom out and write dates down, sort them by their various properties, but when I’m in the thick of my day I have trouble concentrating on jumping the flagpole at the end because I’m preoccupied with the ledge underneath me in the moment.

It’s not necessarily that I’m forgetful. You can know all the steps to a dance but do them in the wrong order and it’s not the Macarena. Often times I’ll be carrying around too much in my head. In school I would use the fact that I couldn’t recall something as a reminder. That works well in the short term, like if you always forget one word on this week’s vocabulary list, for example. The problem comes with maintaining it in long term memory. I can memorize dates long enough to answer them on a test but keeping them straight by the end of a semester is another story.

Rote memorization isn’t always the best indicator of learning something. Boring repetition makes information difficult for me to absorb. I can repeat things back without actually thinking through what they mean. Ever read assembly instructions without illustrations to visualize what they mean? On the other hand, if it feels like I’m engaged in the conversation with an instructor, I can pick up on everything without notes. (I did this in Art History where it felt like we were gossiping about the lives of artists through the ages.)

Plans for 2019

1. Animate!

It’s what I love to do. So why don’t I do it more often? Mostly because I’m worried about spending too much time on the wrong projects. I try to make things perfect and spend months on something I should have shipped off and shared already. This year I want to focus on smaller projects and getting better at putting them out there.

2. Freelance!

I’ve dabbled in freelancing gigs but I get so apprehensive about finding new ones. I spend too much time trying to make new material to customize a demo reel to send out when I should really be building up relationships and getting what work I have ready in front of people. This year I need to be better at how I present myself.

3. Design More Cool Stuff!

I spend a lot of time looking over specs and requirements. What DPI does this file need to be at? What aspect ratios does this site want? There comes a point where you have to get out of the measuring phase and start to cut. This year I want to spend more time drawing, making things, and sharing them online to get feedback.

4. Get Out of My Own Head and Communicate!

This is the biggest hurdle for me. I’m terrified of seeming unprepared so I spend too much time researching and trying to guess what will come up. This year I need to share what I know and what I can do. That includes posting on this site more as well as Twitter, my Facebook Page, and adding content to my Instagram, IGTV channel, and my YouTube channel.

2018 – New Year, New Plans

  • On January 1, 2018 ·
  • By ·
I hope everybody had a happy holiday season. The New Year is traditionally a time of reflection, making resolutions, and then giving up on them by mid February when we’ve slid back into bad habits. I’m not much of a traditionalist but I do like the idea of setting markers for yourself. This is a good time to look back, figure out what went wrong over the course of 12 months, and to set goals for improving on the next dozen.

2017 in Review

What Went Right
Without a doubt the best thing to happen to me in 2017 was meeting my girlfriend. She’s been there to listen, to encourage, and to be a reminder that life is pretty awesome sometimes.
What Went Wrong
Nothing frustrates quite like wasted potential. As is common with ADHD I had a lot of good ideas but I enacted few of them. Some of it was lack of direction but a lot of it was insecurity. The perfect time to do something rarely ever makes itself available on its own accord. Instead it is up to us to shape our lives, to make opportunities happen, and to try our damnedest.

2018 Goals

Deadlines
Deadlines are something of a double-edged sword. They can bring on stress in a crunch. At the same time they’re a necessity when it comes to routine and staying on task. That’s why I’ve decided to start a Monday/Wednesday/Friday blogging regiment. I’m also relaunching my YouTube channel with a Tuesday/Thursday schedule where I’ll share each update on the blog, effectively posting five times a week.
Working Blocks
My plan for achieving this is to produce multiple chunks at a time. Rather than write one blog post I’ll write all three. Instead of one video I’ll make two or four at a time. This system is actually preferable for me because front loading frees up more room for working later. I get less burnt out when I’m bouncing between projects. It also makes it easier to plan things when I can see them in a week by week format.

I Didn’t Die

  • On November 20, 2017 ·
  • By ·

A problem I often have is falling into loops. These are important to distinguish from routines. Loops are cyclical and keep you in a rut instead of progressing forward. A loop I regularly fall into is researching. You’ve probably heard “Perfect is the enemy of good” before, meaning it’s better to get a project out the door in an acceptable state than to toil on it perpetually without ever actually releasing it. When I was younger I was more likely to start something on a whim. Of course many of those never got completed as I didn’t fit them into my schedule. As I got older I sought to plan things out in advance, to weigh my options better before getting started. Unfortunately this also led to not getting started at all.

The thing about loops is they’re comforting. They’re familiar. When you don’t look up from the wheel as long as it’s turning you think you’re going somewhere. I realized in school that talking about subjects you don’t fully understand is a quick way to show your ignorance. This got me in the habit of researching and learning everything I can on a topic if I expect to be working with it in any real capacity. Partly because my undiagnosed ADHD would make it hard to concentrate in class so I knew I’d have to study on my own and partly because of the anxiety and fear I had of embarrassment from looking stupid. ADHD isn’t simply a lack of focus, either. Sometimes I would hyperfocus on things to the point of obsession. Other times I’d see something new to learn about and be unable to fulfill my responsibilities to an older subject. Repeating the cycle of studying is safe. I know what to expect and there aren’t any repercussions for it. Eventually, however, you need to stop doing what’s comfortable in order to progress.

The unknown can be scary. If you don’t have somebody to reassure you things will be fine it can be downright petrifying. I’ve found plenty of people in life who stay in their comfort zones. And you know what? I don’t judge them for it. It’s very easy to play armchair quarterback and tell others what they should do with their lives. But are you willing to go with them to do all the things they need to do to get there? Will you help them wade through confusing paperwork and legal jargon? Will you show them healthy habits and how to prepare themselves for a better life? Or is it easier and more comfortable to sit back and point out everybody else’s problems so nobody notices yours?

Fear and danger can be managed. Whenever I do something new I can be completely terrified but I always take time to recognize what I’ve done. When I’ve planned and gone on a trip, after I’ve gotten to my destination and rested, I tell myself, “Well, I didn’t die, so that’s good.” Is my brain listing every possible thing that could go wrong the entire time? Yes. Is my family reminding me of all of these while also making a few of their own up? Of course. But I didn’t die. The further out I go and the more relaxed I let myself become the more I see the good in what I’ve done. Then I’m reminded of the line by George Carlin, “So now you can move along to your next embarrassing moment… which is probably scheduled immediately.”

I’m still trying to figure out how I want to use this blog. What to write in it that doesn’t feel like I’m standing on the street with a bullhorn, what I’m trying to say, how to say it most effectively while still actually getting in the habit of doing it regularly. I do know I need to concentrate more on doing things and less on worrying where they go before I do them.

  • 1
  • 2